Alexandria Skinner, J.D., Mediator and Attorney

When I am mediating, I sometimes find myself taking a bird’s eye view, and I am amazed. 

I love helping people, and that is why I love mediation.  It really helps people.  The amazing thing, though, is that “I” am not the one who helps.   It’s as if I’m merely a channel for something else, something deeper.  For, in actuality, the parties to mediation are the ones who help themselves. 

Mediation merely provides them a mechanism to work through conflict.  The almost-miraculous aspect of mediation is the fact that it works so well.  So well, in fact, that I sometimes wonder, “what is it about mediation that is so helpful?”  

It’s even more astounding when one considers that the mediator does not impose their own judgment.  The parties come up with the solutions all by themselves.  This is actually a necessary part of authentic mediation.  The parties must have 100% “ownership” over the solution.  And yet, the process is so powerful!  Something about mediation enables the parties to achieve a different level of consciousness, awareness, or cooperation.   Solutions come up that no one ever would have thought of before. 

It was Einstein who said something like, “A problem cannot be solved by applying the same level of consciousness that created it.”  Sometimes I feel as if the parties are lifted up to a different level, as a result of the mediation process, to where they can have a different perspective, or a different kind of ability to see and understand their conflict. 

Walking in the woods the other day, I came across a scene that reminded me of how I sometimes think about mediation. 

Imagine you are walking through a swamp:  

Conflict is like that swamp.

Conflict is not fun!  Conflict is not just cold and wet.  Conflict is also muddy and mucky.  

As you wade into conflict, you don’t know how deep it is.  Even the shortest distance can become impassable.

You get bogged down in it.  It can even be dangerous.  You wonder, how to get out. 

Often, parties to a conflict can’t see their way to a “win-win” solution.  They lack confidence that things can be worked out peacefully.  They are angry.  They don’t trust the other side.  They think they have to go to court and have a judge impose an outside solution, in order to resolve the conflict. 

The good news is that if both parties will come to mediation, there’s a good chance that they can resolve the issues on their own.  For even the most difficult conflict, mediation actually provides a path. 

The mediator doesn’t come up with the answers.  The mediator doesn’t do your work for you. 

What the mediator provides is a process.  That process is like a boardwalk to help you get through it yourselves.

The neutrality of the mediator, and the skill of the mediator in providing a process, provides a structure and a system that helps parties address their conflict in an understandable, even minded way.

It gets you out of the mud and onto a dry spot where you can think and move forward.

The point of mediation is that it helps you focus on where you need to be, where you want to go, what your long term goals are.  And then it helps you – both parties – find a way to get there.